The man behind the microscope has this advice for you;
Instead of asking what it is - as what does it do.
Healthy Relationships & Solutions for Relationship Problems
For most people, relationships are "states of feeling
The connections may be genetic or legal, and transient or lasting.
Sometimes relationship refers to casual friends, sometimes to
sexual or intimate affairs - and sometimes to marriage.
Do you want a long term relationship or a short-term affair? A brief intimate affair may suit teenagers but
can be devastating for older couples. The trouble is, people can use the word
relationship to mean so many different ways of feeling close.
A basic level of clarity comes if you notice the type of
relationship. Parent-child? Brother-sister? Teacher-student?
Partner-partner? Boss-employee? Tyrant-slave? Many people seem deeply confused
by these relationship behaviors.
Whatever was normal when they were children, may still feel normal even decades
later. Do you seek a partner, a parent, an employee or a slave?
Another level of clarity comes from knowing your
relationship goals. Do you expect to say goodbye within a few days or a month? Or
do you want a long-term relationship? Perhaps you're not sure and you are just "testing the water" before you
Do you want a lover, a life partner, a sibling or a parent? Do
you want this person to be strong and independent - or weak and needy? Do you
want a healthy relationship - or do you prefer symbiotic - or codependent? People often avoid important
questions about their relationship goals and blocks.
Do you know your goals for each of your relationships? Do you
know the goals of other people in your life? Do you know their goals?
Relationship Blocks and Problems
For you to solve your relationship problems, you need to know
your goals and which relationships require what changes. Younger people often say things like,
"We just want to feel good together!" but goals like that are about as
useful as telling a travel agent that "we want to go somewhere not here".
We help people explore their relationship goals and blocks. Here is a quick self-test that you might
- What does love mean?
- What convinces you that you are loved?
- What convinces you that you love someone?
- How do you want to show you love other people?
- Can you talk about this with those other people?
- Do you know what you want to achieve together?
- Can you resolve common, everyday conflicts quickly?
- Can you put both your goals together in a sensible sequence?
- Can you both support your integrated relationship goals?
- What are the likely consequences of achieving your goals?
We can help you rapidly assess and
even predict your relationship behavior. We can help you
evaluate your relationships, goals, beliefs and conflicts; and provide
information that you may need to fulfill your goals. You can correlate,
test and confirm this information and fine-tune your goals.
Some couples cannot answer the question, "What do you both want?" with
details. Most people give vague, abstract, wishy-washy answers. As you specify goals, you
can better predict the consequences and side-effects of achieving those goals and
find strategies for fine tuning and then achieving your goals.
Relationships rarely start at zero. We all have parents, families, teachers and
role models of varying quality. Most people have idealistic dreams that reflect
children's fairy tales, and pessimistic nightmares that reflect television and
cinematic drama. Most people start relationships while still entangled with
their parents, families or previous partners.
Many relationship problems simply reflect emotional confusion, often based on past injustice,
betrayal and guilt. Such entanglements can cause
enormous suffering, and are both the cause and effect of unhealthy relationships.
Entangled people often ignore or excuse their own problematic behavior. They
blame others, complain and justify their enmeshment. Most people will suffer
long before they seek relationship counseling that can dissolve old entanglements.
Most people are alert to
justice and guilt, and respond to perceived injustice by following the
examples set by their parents and communities.
Depression can also follow entanglements with cults and cult-like
organizations (e.g. military, multi-level marketing organizations and some government agencies).
Coaching can help people disentangle from unhealthy organizations, from counselors or from
damage by therapists.
If you can recognize the
emotions and behaviors associated with relationship entanglements, you
can better predict problems, find solutions and
protect yourself and others from unpleasant consequences.
Contact us for help solving emotional problems and relationship
Online Relationship Coaching,
Counseling & Soul Work Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers, 2003-2018
All rights reserved.