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From Self Criticism to Self Encouragement
Negotiate with your Inner Terrorist Martyn Carruthers

Online Life Coaching & Counseling to end Self-Criticism

Can you stop Criticizing Yourself?

If you often criticize and blame yourself, you may not notice
how much you criticize and blame other people, nor want to change.

People who are often angry or critical may avoid asking for help, and when they do, helping professionals may avoid assisting them. Few professionals tolerate their passive aggressive hostility (resistance) which so often emerges.

Some of these people may be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (emotional impulsivity, instability, emptiness and anger at self and others). Such mood swings are often reflect relationship issues ... for example idolizing people and later despising them. Some people may say that they love themselves and then that they hate themselves - switching again and again.

When people complain of mood swings, they often blame their behavior on a crisis or a difficult person that makes them feel depressed, anxious, empty or frustrated. They often talk about parts or sides of themselves that are in conflict with each other.

How do you Criticize Yourself?

How quiet - or noisy - is your mind? Do you support or abuse yourself? Do you want to  transform your inner critics and angry parts into friendly companions?

When things go well in your life, what do you say to yourself? And when things go badly ... what do you say then? Are you nice to yourself - or nasty? Many people tell us that they say worse things to themselves than they would say aloud to people they dislike.

Self-sabotage is often left over from childhood. If children are often criticized, then hearing criticism and feeling unpleasant may not only feel normal, it may even be accepted as evidence of love.

If being criticized is normal for you - how can you continue feeling normal if no-one criticizes you? Or do you criticize yourself. Paradoxically, your self-criticism may support your emotional stability if it helps you feel that everything is normal!

Whatever you want - a good income, a nice job or happy children - supportive inner dialog can keep you going. Or do you avoid your own happiness? Do you suffer from impulsiveness, laziness or procrastination?

Why Worry?

Most successful people that I have met continually encourage themselves to help ensure that they do not delay or diminish their own success or happiness.

Some people motivate themselves by worrying - they may worry to kick-start problem-solving and creativity. But many people seem to become so preoccupied with what ifs and worst-cases, that they do not act constructively.

Does worrying sap your life energy, increase your anxiety or interfere with your life? Chronic worrying is just a mental habit that we can help you change. Do you want to stay calm and resourceful?

Worry kills more people than work because more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

Cognitive Coaching

We integrated cognitive coaching into our work to help people overcome difficulties with their thinking. We help people identify and change their taboo thoughts and beliefs. If you can challenge your habitual worries ... you can find your underlying thoughts and feelings ... and then it is easier to change them.

How often do you say things like It's too difficult! or I don't know how! How many more of these might apply to you?

  1. I should be perfect.
  2. I feel guilty if I say "No".
  3. I have a low opinion of myself.
  4. I start projects but don't finish them.
  5. I often feel like I'm not doing enough.
  6. I cannot express my talents or abilities.
  7. I make a lot less money than I should make.

Dissolving self-defeating habits can bring you closer to your goals than any amount of complaining, blaming, justifying your lack of success or hiding behind excuses.

When Do You Criticize Yourself?

You criticize yourself when you:

  1. avoid solving problems
  2. obsess about past errors
  3. tell yourself you're not lovable
  4. avoid coaching and mentorship
  5. pursue goals you don't really want
  6. not practice activities you want to improve
  7. remain addicted to things, activities or people

Why Would You Sabotage Yourself?

Do you often think: "I don't stick to my goals; I don't finish my work on time; I don't deserve better"? Although self-sabotage may seem to manifest as thoughts and actions, the underlying feelings and emotions usually reflect relationship issues.

Many people believe that self-sabotage is associated with low self-esteem, low self-worth, low self-love and low self-confidence, we find such comments to be abstract and almost trivial. We continually find that self-sabotage reflects relationship problems.

I have built many businesses to a certain level of success, and then watched them collapse.
I have repeated this pattern all my life. During your coaching I realized that I could never let
myself be more successful than my mother. That's different now.

Leaving these issues unresolved may cause you to repeat self-sabotage in more try-cycles. If things don't change - they stay the same! If you don't change these issues you may be preparing for failure.

From Self Criticism to Self Confidence

Self-confidence is a characteristic of people who remain healthy during stress and change. It's important to develop and maintain realistic self-confidence.

Do you want to understand and change your beliefs,
manage your emotions or negotiate with an "inner terrorist"?

Online Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Systemic Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2007-2018
All rights reserved.

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention or

For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

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Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email