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Interview with Martyn
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Emotional Maturity: Inner Children - 2
Stop inner child abuse Martyn Carruthers

Online Life Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

Do you use drugs instead of improving your relationship with yourself? Do
anti-depressants or stimulants seem easier than solving emotional problems?

Some people do not accept that they have problems, some hope for
magical cures and some don't believe that long-term solutions exist.

Part 1: Coaching an Inner Child
Part 3: Inner Children & Emotional First Aid

About one in four people will experience an emotional or relationship crisis this year. Many people will feel and act childishly. Do you want to avoid this by changing
obsessive thoughts, difficult emotions and relationship issues?

My doctor said that I had a "personality flaw" that caused me to act childishly. He
referred me to a psychologist, who I met for over two years with no real change.
Shortly after meeting you, my "personality flaw" vanished and I feel so much better.

Wanting to change is not enough. We offer a practical approach that you can enjoy.

We can probably support your values, goals and dreams. We are not just people whom you talk at ... we can help you manage your emotions, change limiting beliefs and build better relationships with yourself, your family and your friends.

Do you want to change slowly and gently ... or do you just want to move on with your life? If money is an issue, what it will cost if you don't solve your problems?

What is an 'Inner Child'?

By Inner child we mean age-regressed, childish motivations. Carl Jung talked about a 'Divine Child'. Emmet Fox referred to a 'Wonder Child'. Charles Whitfield described a 'Child Within'. Sigmund Freud called them complexes and in psychosynthesis they are called ego states. We just call them parts.

Split-off parts generate unpleasant emotions and obsessions.
Some people call them entities, gremlins or demons!

These parts of a person were split-off during some crisis ... without integration, they can remain split-off for the rest of a person's life. Most of these parts, no matter how negative they seem, represent qualities that you once had, but seemed to lose: such as innocence, creativity, innovation and intelligence.

Whenever I was really angry, it was like a demon took over me. You asked me how old was the demon ... I was shocked ... it was a little boy ... it was ME ... very angry about his parents' stupidity ... and he sort of came out whenever my wife reminded me of my mother. I wanted to cut that anger out of my life ... instead you helped me befriend that little boy ...
he's safe now ... he's grown up ... he's me
. Birmingham

Inner child work was popularized by John Bradshaw, who wrote that when children of dysfunctional families lose their I AM-ness - they lose the assurance that their parents or guardians were healthy and loving caregivers.

My life goal is to live like a 5-year old child, to live a life of playful wonder and happiness ...
the universe should take care of me and give me whatever I need. I don't know what I'm
doing wrong ... yes ... I was 5 when my parents divorced ... how did you know?

Many human issues seem to originate in childhood. Are you a child at heart, searching for some childish meaning in life? Does an inner child control your life?

Adults who let inner children control their lives often live in chaos!

Inner Children need Inner Babysitters!

Abused, stressed or traumatized children may be unable to deal with their emotions and conclusions, and hide or bury them. The result is split-off parts of self that seem to be stuck in those emotions and beliefs. Until this is resolved, that childhood crisis has not ended. The result: many adults feel and act like children in times of stress.

The relief of dissociating negative emotions can feel good, and is a basis for many New Age therapies. However, people seem to unconsciously compensate for this loss of personal identity with undesirable adult habits (which make sense in the context of the original childhood stress).

All my life I waited for people to make decisions for me and I feared rejection. During our sessions, I found that my fears started when I was about two. A baby inside me was hiding, waiting to be loved. I wanted to get rid of my fear, but you helped me love this fearful child inside me and help her grow up. Slovenia

Occasionally we find people with an inner child who seemed to have split-off before birth. We assume that if a pregnant mother was in stress, neurotransmitters in the mother's blood can transmit intense emotions to the fetus. (See Vanishing Twin).

Many people may (unconsciously) try to grow up an inner child by giving their children what was missing in their own childhoods. However, immature parents may neglect their responsibilities and repeat their parents' drama with their children.

Did some childhood trauma split your personality? Adult victims of childhood trauma often block unpleasant memories and cannot assimilate their damage. Perhaps a childish YOU communicates through your childish emotions.

Going APE: Assimilating Split-Off Parts

The APES model (Stiles 1990) describes recognizable stages as people assimilate problematic experiences. We help people accelerate through these stages.

Assimilating Problematic Experiences (APE)

0 Dissociated: A person is unaware of a problem; unpleasant
thoughts and feelings are rapidly silenced.
1 Avoidance: A person avoids remembering an experience. Thoughts
and feelings are unpleasant but scattered or unclear.
2 Emergence: A person cannot describe a problem clearly but feels
suffering or panic associated with some past experience.
3 Clarification: A person can recognize potential solutions and
manage unpleasant emotions and inner conflicts without panic.
4 Understanding: A person can describe the experience with some unpleasant feelings and some pleasant surprises.
5 Application: A person can set goals, solve problems and be more optimistic in this context.
6 Resourceful: A person uses problematic experiences as
resources; feeling generally optimistic and satisfied.
7 Integration: A person can use an unpleasant experience
as a resource for solving other situations and problems.

The consequences of trauma and abuse can include an inability to make decisions; and a sense of shame, guilt leading to self-abuse. Ignoring these consequences can lead to limiting beliefs, learning disabilities and depression. We help people find and integrate lost or childish parts of themselves.

We talked about my habit of being late and I found that an inner child was causing this. After your coaching, I not only enjoyed being punctual - I felt taller and much more feminine. I felt like a woman instead of like a little girl. Warsaw, Poland

We help people resolve trauma, abuse, parental alienation or emotional incest, etc.
Do you want to free yourself of emotional and relationship issues?

Part 1: Coaching an Inner Child
Part 3: Types of Inner Children & Emotional First Aid

If you assimilate an inner child, you learn to live and love again.

Online Systemic Coaching, Relationship Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2009-2018
All rights reserved.

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention or

For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

Soulwork systemic coaching in Croatia & Serbia

Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email