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Emotional Maturity: Integrating an Inner Child - 3
Finding an Inner Babysitter Martyn Carruthers

Online Life Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

Many people have problems communicating emotions and feelings.
We help people manage their emotions and solve relationship problems.

Part 1 Coaching an Inner Child
Part 2 Emotional Maturity

Common Types of Inner Children

It seems that most inner children are created during relationship disappointments - during a crisis that could have been at any age from pre-birth to young adult. Many people seem to have more than one inner child, and their inner children may play with or fight each other.

We help people find solutions for problematic emotions. Let's look at some types of inner children and corresponding adult behaviors. Then we can consider how to find inner babysitters:

1. Playful Children

This inner child may want to play "let's pretend", and may be addicted to toys and perhaps to video games, and may be unpleasant to people who interfere with their toys and games. As adults they may have difficulty planning, and prefer to be spontaneous.

2. Demanding Children

This demanding inner child wants everything NOW. If they don't get what they want, they may feel or express emotional outbursts or sulk. As adults they may wait for someone to give them what they want, and if not, they may feel motivated to take it.

3. Neglected Children

Unloved inner children want to be nurtured and loved like any hurt child, but may not feel lovable. They weren't taught how to love or be loved, and they may be selfish and impulsive. As adults they may often feel empty or depressed - life never seems to make sense - and they may have problems expressing adult love.

4. Abandoned Children

This lonely inner child felt discarded or rejected, perhaps during a divorce or because the parents were preoccupied. As adults they may fear being abandoned again, so they seek endless attention and reassurance. They may also be very angry.

5. Frightened Children

Frightened inner children may have been abused or overly criticized. As adults they may feel anxious and criticize themselves. They may continually seek acceptance - especially from people who they perceive to be somehow like parents. They may have (or fear) panic or anxiety attacks.

6. Detached Children

A suspicious inner child may not trust anyone. Any intimacy seems a scary risk. As adults they may avoid commitment and responsibilities ... they may expect friends and partners to leave, and feel uneasy if someone stays. They may try to "buy and sell" love (they may measure love in gifts!)

7. Ignored Children

Rejected inner children may be forever hiding. As adults, they don't know or believe in themselves and may feel undeserving of assistance or support. As adults they may be very logical and rational, but have difficulty defining and expressing their feelings.

8. Sensitive Children

This sensitive inner child rejected their real parents and searched for perfect parents or a 'heavenly' home. As adults they may be religious and either express intolerance for other philosophies or desperately check every possible spiritual path, searching for a way to "go home".

Suppressing or ignoring inner children can have unpleasant consequences'

  1. Depreciates life
  2. Stress reactions
  3. Feeling incomplete
  4. Fears of inadequacy
  5. Disliking own children
  6. Not feeling good enough
  7. Never learning how to play
  8. Obsessions and compulsions

Emotional First Aid: Inner Babysitter

We repeatedly find that if a person had not dissociated or split-off the overwhelming emotions (to create an inner child), they feel that may have become insane, sick, criminal or dead! The original dissociation seems to be a way to survive some crisis! ALWAYS be gentle when communicating with inner children!


Learn how to comfort your inner child. If you didn't enjoy healthy bonding with your mother, our re-parenting may help your healing. Some easy strategies are to wrap yourself in a soft blanket in a comfortable and imagine comforting the child who you once were ... (have a box of tissues ready - you may cry - a lot).

For years I studied a form of intuitive "inner child" healing and I am certified to use it.
But many of my clients are more childish after my work than they were before.
They seem to expect me to become their mother.
Therapist, Chicago

Don't try to force or manipulate inner children ... that may be why they split off! Learn to love and respect these parts of you! Be endlessly patient. Inner children are often lost in time - from their points of view the trauma may still happening! They may be shocked to discover that you have grown up!

Some treats for your inner child may feel strange at first! Perhaps read your inner child a story as you sit in a comfortable chair. Maybe sing a lullaby to your inner child if you feel upset. Maybe buy and use some children's coloring books and crayons. Perhaps take real children to a play-park or zoo, or go a circus, or watch a children's movie - as if your inner child was with you.

We can coach you, step by step, to find and heal your inner children, then to become one person again - to integrate yourself - to pull yourself together.

Integrating an Inner Child

If you do not manage the adult consequences of childhood trauma, you may feel like a wounded child whenever something reminds you of your early stress. You are less likely to enjoy stable employment and stable relationships; and you are more likely to feel angry, depressed and anxious.

Some people who want to adopt children are searching for parts of themselves.

I wanted to adopt a child. I am 45, and I had a HUGE urge to find and help and
love a child who was abused or abandoned. When you helped me explore my feelings,
I found that I was searching for an abused, abandoned and childish part of myself!

Our inner child coaching has helped many people, yet much depends on the maturity of a person and the extent of disassociation, which can cause many symptoms. More extreme possibilities include:

  1. You may feel strong, childish emotions
  2. You may feel that the "real you" is lost or missing
  3. You may feel that you are re-experiencing a childhood trauma
  4. You may feel that you and/or your surroundings are foggy or unreal

Contact us to accept and integrate an inner child.
Learn how to express, receive and enjoy mature, adult love.

Online Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2009-2018
All rights reserved.

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention or

For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


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Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email