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Soul Centered Changework
The reconciliation inherent in each phase of Soul Centered Changework, or
the applications called Soulwork
Systemic Coaching, seems to make many physical and mental disease symptoms
dissolve - as if the symptoms of a disease represent old decisions that can be
re-decided! The following steps can be adapted to many specific symptoms.
However, for these steps to be useful, a person must want to fulfill his
or her relationship responsibilities.
The remission of physical or mental symptoms seems to be a lesser benefit to a
person than their finding and making decisions based on a deep sense of life, or
"integrity" or "Soul. (Many clients have said that a disease or
problem was “worth having” to experience Soul.)
Most people consciously know their short-term goals, their present relationships,
their symptoms and many past events. Most people are unconscious or unaware of
existential conflict, identifications, limiting identity beliefs, relationship
bonds and early childhood trauma. However, all these things contribute to a
sense of normality which people use as a standard when making decisions. The
following helps a person redefine "normal", in alignment with their
highest values. The following seems to be a natural human way to fulfill life.
The Soulwork phases are merely ways to describe it, so that we may, if we
choose, accelerate fulfillment!
Soulwork Phase 1 - Motivation (Suffer all you want!)
Lack of motivation is an obstacle to making complex decisions. For most people this
phase is "suffering" - living the consequences of poor quality
decisions until a congruent decision is made to grow up and take responsibility
for living life! Suffering seems to
be a normal human way to motivate oneself. Few people say "I'm living a
great life, my family get along fine and we're all healthy - please help me!".
In our society, suffering is often a normal way to build self-respect and
earn the attention of other people. Suffering is often enshrined as
"sacred". Many people have told me that their suffering makes them
better people. I ask "How much suffering is enough? How will you know when to stop?"
What is suffering? It seems to be an
existential dilemma, often associated with hopelessness or helplessness,
associated with one's sense of life. The work of Clare Graves, a post-doctoral
student of Abraham Maslow, provides useful insights into this. While attempting
to create an instrument to assess a person's position on Maslow's famous
"Hierarchy of Needs", Graves discovered that people have different
hierarchies based on their values, and that a persons values evolve predictably.
As our sense of life is based on "What
is important?", Graves work allows a rapid assessment of a person's
values, and indicates the actions needed to evolve to the next level!
Here are Graves' "Levels", in their evolutionary sequence, as I
understand and interpret them today:
- My survival today is more important than anything
- Assisting the survival of our tribe (or family) is more important
than anything
- My personal power (or immediate gratification) is more important
than anything
- Our establishment (e.g.: religion, government) is more important
than anything
- My personal success is more important than anything
- Participating in our community is more important than anything
- Creating viable systems is more important than anything
- Saving our planet (or humanity) is more important than anything
Janelle and I developed Graves’ concepts to encompass how we express Soul, but that's
another story (HERE). Let's get back to
suffering! Pain happens - suffering is optional! Suffering is a choice. If you haven’t suffered enough, you
can choose to suffer some more, but what is the point of your suffering, if you
can't enjoy fulfilling your life?
Soulwork Phase 2 – Integration (Path of Gifts)
Internal conflict and incongruence are obstacles to making complex decisions. After
finding motivation, this phase is recognizing and accepting parts
of us. Parts express themselves by incongruence - (E.g., a person becoming
asymmetrical while saying "Yes".
Courteously accepting and acknowledging incongruence builds (and deserves) a
strong sense of trust. Parts can be
elicited, accepted, acknowledged and integrated until the person experiences
self as Soul.
I use many Soul Paths (E.g.: Desires, History, Emotions, Symptoms, Values and Ego)
to help a person find their full identity, or integrity, or Soul. Experiencing these paths provides flexibility at each step. I enjoy the paradox that each path is often considered to be a
block to fulfillment.
For example, a common obstacle is when a person desires two things simultaneously,
which appear to be mutually exclusive. (E.g.: "I want love and freedom; but if I
have love I cannot be free, and if I am free I cannot have love".) This
type of conflict cannot be resolved at the level on which it is manifest
(typically as emotional beliefs). However, the conflict can be resolved by
recourse to Soul, which by its nature includes having both possibilities
simultaneously. Each conflict becomes a stepping stone to Soul. Each accepted part
seems to have a "present" for the person, usually abilities that were
forgotten or abandoned in the past. (E.g.: A client may say: "
Now I remember my playfulness - this is the part of me that knows how to
play!"). Nothing need be lost forever.
Identification
Identification
prevents the experience of self as Soul. I know four (so far) Identifications,
each with a set of symptoms that allow diagnosis. It seems that about 10% of
North American and European people (based on work with clients and workshop
participants) live an identified life. Resolving "identification" can
resolve symptoms and simultaneously help a person to find "Soul"
experience.
- Dead Person Identification - I am not-me, I am sad in all contexts of my life
- Victim Identification - I am not-me, I am angry in all contexts of my life
- Hero Identification - I am not-me, I am fearful in all contexts of my life
- Dependent Identification - I am not me, I feel all feelings of my dependent
In old Hawaii, if a person died and was not acknowledged by the family,
the dead person's spirit was thought to be sad, and stay with the
family, perhaps living in a child (Dead Person Identification). Freud also
described identification with a dead person. A German
psychotherapist - Bert Hellinger - describes identification with victims; and a disidentification
format was developed by Annegret Hallanzy.
During identification, it is as-if the person's true or basic identity, was
lost or hidden, and another identity could be expressed. Soulwork disidentification honors the expressed identity and finds the person's true
or basic
identity.
Soul (I never met a soul I didn't love)
At the end of this Path of Gifts is
a transcendent
experience that we call Soul. Soul is not a resource, (for example a feeling of motivation) and Soul is
not a part or partial personality. Many people have described
Soul experience in terms of integrity and connection - a type of relationship in which all
possibilities are available as ways to express one's deepest creative integrity.
Such a representation can be a lasting
internal guide, to evaluate circumstances and help make appropriate
decisions.
Many
people had spontaneously referred to this experience as "Soul", which
was at first a tribulation for me. I talked to some religious experts about what
Soul might be, and received enough conflicting information to drive me back to
physics. However, I wish to honor the wonderful Souls I have met, and the name
"Soul" seems to fit well. On finding Soul, most people say that Soul
was always available, but it was deeply and DELIBERATELY hidden as a way of
coping with family stress.
I often ask a person in Soul experience whether this experience existed before the
person – most people answer “Yes - of
course”. I have asked many times if this connectedness will continue after
the death of the person’s body – most people say “Yes”.
Integration is complete when a person can choose "Soul" as a basis for evaluating
life - creating possibilities, making decisions, for evaluating relationships,
for changing beliefs, for resolving past trauma and for choosing role models.
Finding "Soul" is usually an ecstatic experience. A person's physiology
becomes erect and balanced, with a peaceful high energy. It is something like
meeting a mentor who supports you
unconditionally without criticism. Conversations with Souls are enlightening. I
have never met a Soul I didn't love.
Fulfilling Relationships
Having found this basic relationship with Soul, a person is usually eager to have
fulfilling relationships. Such relationships are often referred to as "Soul
to Soul". Past and present relationships can be reviewed as to how they
could have been different, if the person had always had conscious access to
Soul. This review can be accelerated with subjective time
distortion.
Soulwork integrated some of Janelle Doan's life philosophy; some of Annegret Hallanzy's research into
Robert Dilts' "Vision Work", some of Bert Hellinger's "Systemic Family
Constellations"; and my work with partitioned consciousness, identity metaphors
and family matrix. However my best teachers were those people who
had spontaneously cured themselves of serious disease, and were
willing to talk to me about it.
Soulwork Phase 3 - Evaluating Relationships
Relationship bonds may be obstacles to making complex decisions. Our relationships can be
opportunities to fulfill our lives. We can use relationships to enhance our
contact with our selves, while valuing and supporting each other. In a
fulfilling partnership, one plus one can be much greater than two! During Soul to Soul
communication, a casual interaction can become a spiritual event!
During relationships, we can lose
contact with who we are. Feeling separate, we may search for substitutes - we
search for something or someone through which we may feel complete. Often, we
may experience this loss of identity as a "hole" that must be filled.
We may desire someone's assets ("I
want what you can give me"), we may express someone else's emotions
("I feel your emotions instead of my
own"), we may act dependently ("
I want you to fulfill some aspect of me"). We may emotionally bond ("I
connect to you in a way that changes my sense of self") and we may
share limiting beliefs ("To be with you I must believe that I am ...").
Relationship bonds can be elicited
and resolved for past or present relationships, particularly for our important
relationships, which usually include parents, spouses, and a few other people.
Such bonds are intertwined, and I worked with Janelle to better discriminate
between them. If, when evaluating relationships, you can access Soul, you can
consult an always-loving, always-responsible, high-integrity mentor, to help
answer the question "How can I
fulfill my life during this relationship with this person?" Part of the
answer may be in "What can we learn together from our Soul-to-Soul
relationship?" Such answers are often profound.
Here I talk primarily about "partnership" relationships. The same
principles apply to other relationships, such as family, teams and parenthood,
but those relationship bonds are beyond the scope of this paper. I will describe
some ways that humans bond in partnership. The first two are ways that we can
further our fulfillment during our partnership. The various bonds are ways that
we can lose our identities during partnership.
Shared Values (We value each other)
If what is important to me is important to you (E.g.: similar views on life's
purpose, working together, raising children), then we may have a basis for a
healthy relationship, free of unhealthy bonds.
If our relationship is important enough, I will make whatever is important to
you important to me! (E.g.: "Spending
time with your parents is not important to me - but I will make it important to
me"). Sometimes, a single shared value can create powerful emotional
bonds, but may not include other important values. (E.g.: "Sexual
intimacy is important to both of us – but that’s all we share"). It
may be enlightening for people in a relationship to discover which values they
share!
Shared Desires (We support each other)
Given a relationship already based on shared values, sharing desires allows us to
support each other’s evolution. Instead of mind reading (E.g.: "If
he really loved me he would know what I want") or fear (E.g.: "If
I ask for what I want she might say "No!"). Although it may be
easier to let the other person guess what you want, or easier to avoid conflict,
saying what you want can provide a basis for mutual evolution. It may be
enlightening for people in a relationship to discover what each other actually wants!
Asset Bonds (I want what you have)
A desire to control a person's assets may represent a loss of identity, replacing
the fulfillment of developing some skill. Access to an asset may be more
important than creating a "shared values" relationship with a person.
For example, someone's wealth, knowledge, athletic prowess, musical
ability or perceived power may be more important than their personality.
Sometimes, mere "desire for association" with a person's assets is
enough to create this type of bond!
If someone has something you want, but you do not want to create it for yourself,
you may feign affection (E.g.: "If I
pretend to like you a lot, perhaps you will give me..."). Such assets
may be abstract (E.g.: power or status) or specific (E.g.: money or a skill).
Also, you may use your assets, or symbols of assets, as offers of this type of
bonding. (E.g.: "Look what I have!
If you pretend to like me, I may give you some"). Dissolving
Asset Bonds allows you to make clear decisions about contracts. (E.g.: "What
can I offer you in trade for your desirable asset?")
Identity Bonds (I feel FOR you)
Sometimes you may feel emotions FOR other people. This represents a loss of identity,
replacing the need to find and express your own emotions. For example you might
feel sadness FOR someone who has died (E.g.: dead friend, aborted pregnancies),
or fear FOR someone who does not express it (E.g.: someone who acts fearlessly),
or anger FOR someone who is unable to fulfill their role (E.g.: a victim). In
some cases identification may result (see
Identifications) in which a person, usually as a child, expresses
the identity of another person, and cannot express his or her "own
identity". With most identity bonds, however, there is only the tendency to
express emotions FOR someone else in a single context. Dissolving identity bonds
helps you to decide how to express your emotions appropriately.>
If you realize that a person is feeling and expressing your unexpressed
emotions for you, it may be important to express your own emotions. (E.g., if
you are acting like a victim in some context, you may realize that someone else
is expressing your repressed anger.) Victims
cannot express anger - so by expressing your own anger you will cease to be a
victim! Expressing your anger, no
matter how appropriately, will probably change your relationships in this
context very quickly!
Dependency Bonds (I am part of you)
A dependency bond represents a loss of identity, replacing the need to fulfill an
important aspect of life with the desire that another person fulfils it. It is
often an unconscious way to recreate a childhood relationship, but in its
essence is an attempt to allow someone else to provide the missing sense of
identity. (E.g.: "Without you, I lose
my self-esteem") Dependencies
may be manipulative - (E.g.: Unless you do this for me I will...).
Sometimes the other person is also dependent - (E.g.: "
If you pretend that I am a good person, I will pretend that you are a
good person") creating a strong co-dependency.
Dissolving dependencies allows you to make important existential
decisions that you may have neglected.
Aka Bonds (You are part of me)
Primarily a Hawaiian concept, an "aka bond" represents an emotional connection
to another person, and a potential loss of identity, by replacing your desire to
be self-sufficient. "Aka" translates from Hawaiian as smoky, sticky,
braided and stretchy, which describes how Hawaiian healers perceive these
connections. An "Aka Bond" is an emotional connection to another
person. (E.g., "I have not seen
so-and-so for years but I feel like we are still connected")
Such bonds are usually a represented as kinesthetically, but
can be readily visualized. Some aka bonds negatively affect your sense of self.
They may encourage a demand (E.g.: "Because
I feel connected to you, I want you to..."). Dissolving or replacing
aka bonds allows you to decide what specific behaviors you want to develop for
yourself.
Identity Bonds (To be with you, I cannot be me)
A "Thoughtform" is another Hawaiian concept, representing a loss of
identity by identifying with a belief, usually a limiting identity-belief that
pervades consciousness. (E.g.: "I am
bad", "I am not good enough").
Contrary evidence is rejected, and even infinite encouragement does not reduce
their effect. Such beliefs seem to have been created as a way of bonding
to important people. (E.g.: "I see
you as bad, so I will be bad too, and our mutual badness can bond us together").
My Hawaiian teachers use this word to describe "dark energies trapped in
the body". Dissolving or replacing Thoughtforms frees you of much negative
self-perception (and often of self-hatred) and encourages you to decide to love
yourself.
Phase 3 is complete when you have identified and dissolved significant
relationship bonds, including those with people who have since died. You
can now decide whether to re-create and enjoy relationships, and whether to enjoy a
lasting freedom from old influences. You can choose to apply these methods
to better enjoy future relationships. Having accepted full responsibility for
evaluating relationships, you can decide to create relationships that
support mutual evolution.
This phase is based on Janelle Doan's research into bonding, on Annegret Hallanzy's family
therapy, and on my research into healing rituals used by Hawaiian healers.
(An important Hawaiian healing ritual is ho'oponopono - my translation: "making
life right through sacred responsibility").
Phase 4 - Resolving Past Trauma
Past traumatic events may provide emotional obstacles to making complex decisions.
These past events may be unconscious - that is, you may have no conscious
memory of them. These events are elicited by encouraging you (whilst
experiencing Soul) to define a specific goal, or series of goals, that represent
your highest values. (E.g.: "Achieving what goal would convince you that you are fulfilling your
life?"). Typically, if you consider concrete actions towards such an
important goal, you get strong emotions, which may overwhelm you and prevent
your achieving the important goal. As relationship bonds were dissolved in Phase
3, these emotions likely originate from unresolved past trauma.
Each unresolved trauma seems to have the emotional components of anger, and/or fear
and/or sadness. At this stage, a person's anger arises from events in which the
person's values were violated. Typically, a person is afraid of the consequences
of expressing their anger, and is sad about the consequences of not
expressing their anger. Identifying and resolving the specific traumatic
events requires that a person find and re-decide the meaning of the event and
decide how to express emotions in a way that supports their achieving their
self-selected important goal, with mentorship.
Phase 4 integrates the philosophy of Annegret Hallanzy with my research with
people who "spontaneously" healed themselves. (Annegret and I
evaluated the techniques of many therapies to determine whether we could use the
techniques at "identity level", i.e. whether we could use the
techniques to support a person's decision to fulfill life!)
Phase 5 – Choosing Mentors
(October 1998) After you have accepted your traumatic emotions, you can
state your life goals resourcefully. The final phase is to evaluate your past and
present mentors, or role models, from integrity or Soul. You can choose which role
models to release, and which to keep, and choose new inspirational role models
for the various steps which lead to your life goals.
(December 2004) Some people CANNOT choose mentors! These are people who have
been so damaged by previous mentors that they will not allow themselves to be
mentored again. So resolving mentor damage is a part of this phase
of Soulwork systemic coaching.
Life Makes Sense!
On completion, you can make sense of your life! You can make decisions true to
integrity. You
understand why you lived life your way. You have integrated your
fragmented personality, and you can make congruent decisions. You have
re-evaluated important relationships from the perspective of fulfillment, and
you can decide which relationships to nurture, and which relationships to change.
You have replaced or dissolved unwanted or inappropriate relationship bonds, and
you can make
decisions independent of those bonds. You have reconciled the effect of
significant traumatic events, and you can decide how to express emotions
appropriately. You can choose role models that empower the future.
There is Life to be lived. There are important
decisions to make and important problems to solve. Striving to
achieve these goals will INCREASE the number of relationship
challenges and decisions that you make. Living with integrity is not easier!
Living with integrity is fulfilling.
You can ignore your past - or to learn from it. You can ignore the future -
or plan it. You can ignore other people - or create fulfilling relationships.
December 2000 Since writing this, I added Systemic Diagnosis
to accelerate subsequent changework, as it helps diagnose the structure and
consequences of guilt and entanglements. "Relationship
diagnosis"
and "resolving guilt" provide a basis for systemic family therapy.
