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Online Solutions for Fixations & Identity Loss
Are YOU fixated? © Martyn Carruthers

Online Help: Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

Most people say that they want to be happy, so why is there so much suffering? Many answers lie in how people perceive themselves in their relationships. Many people feel stuck in unpleasant relationships - bonded by identifications and fixations.

Fixations often manifest as persistent immature behavior.
are emotional attachments that are usually formed in childhood.
Fixations complicate life ... contact us to find emotional freedom.

A man who as a physical being is always turned toward the outside,
thinking that his happiness lies outside him, finally turns inward and
discovers that the source (of happiness) is within him
. Søren Kierkegaard

A basic concept of Kierkegaard's philosophy is that people lose identity if they
participate in unhealthy relationships. We help people regain their identity and
develop their maturity as they build healthier relationships.

Fixations often begin in childhood, when children perceive family members as sources of good feelings. As those children grow up, they may look for and fixate on other people as substitutes for those sources of good feelings, rather than developing their own inner resources and self-esteem.

Are you fixated on a parent ... do you seek people who remind you of a parent?

Common fixations are between children and parents, with past-lovers and between brothers and sisters. The most common fixations seem to be with mothers. People who manage mother fixations often find that many unhealthy habits seem to evaporate.

People who fixate on other people may be unable to maintain
healthy relationships ... or create healthy families!

A common symptom of fixations is perceiving the fixated person as special ... believing, usually without evidence, that someone is extraordinary or exceptional. This may replace the need to develop and access one's own resources or maturity. Some consequences of this identity loss are immaturity and addictive relationships.

Are you fixated?

If you need to perceive someone as special, you may search for that special person. But when you find a candidate, appreciating that person may not be enough ... you may want to offer your devotion ... you may feel addicted! But if that other person changes from your ideal, or if you change your ideals ... such changes between fixated people can trigger an emotional or existential crisis.

Fixated people often believe that they love the object of their fixation
although they may only 'love' their own good feelings!
The other person is often just a trigger!

If your sense of that person being special is threatened, you may feel hurt or damaged. If your role model ceases to meet your standards, you may try to punish that person for not being special enough. You feel your inner emptiness and seek someone else to obsess about. And you may continue this throughout your life.

Therapists & Counselors

More helping professionals ask us for help resolving parental fixations than anybody else, and we notice that many helping professionals seem to specialize in their own issues. But when they manage their own fixations, they may lose their motivation to help other people solve those same issues. We coach many counselors and therapists to change their specialties or occupations.

I was well known for helping depressed middle-aged women cope with their sad lives.
But since our sessions, I can't hardly tolerate such women - they're too much like my
mother. I enjoy being with dynamic people! I now coach business teams!

Many helping professionals come from unhealthy families.
Do they offer you maturity - or symbiosis - or codependence?

Fixations & Identity Loss

Mother fixations are characterized by abnormally close
and often paralyzing emotional attachments to one's mother.

The consequences of fixations include obsessions, compulsions, addictions and other immature and dysfunctional behaviors. The root causes often include:

  1. Lost Identity: Your life lacks meaning
  2. Inner Child: You are sometimes childish
  3. Relationship Bonds: You feel dependent on someone.
  4. Identification: You express someone else's anger, anxiety or sadness.
  5. Identity Conflict: Your behavior swings between two poles - you live in conflict

Fixations can cross generations ... and there is usually no-one to blame. Fixations often represent chains of suffering going back into family history. Some people call them family curses. Many children carry the emotional baggage that their grandparents could not understand and their parents did not manage. Later, they may pass their baggage and consequences on to their own children.

Do you want Emotional Freedom?

Do you carry your family's burdens? Do you cling to fantasies and avoid responsibility (you act like a child)? Do you try to be super- responsible (you act like a parent)? Are you enmeshed in your family's emotions and drama?

A problem is that some fixations can feel wonderful!
Yet the consequences of fixations can damage lives.

Do you strive to fulfill your parent's unfulfilled desires? If so - you may suffer passive aggression, sexual problems, anxiety and/or depression. Contact us to untangle your emotions, clarify your goals and improve your relationships!

My husband is a mature man half the time - but he acts like an aggressive teenager
after visiting his mother. When he's mature - life is good, but I cannot live with his
mother-fixated dark side - an irresponsible, arrogant boy!

If you try to heal your parents' fixations, you will fail. If you try to complete the unfinished business of your grandparents or other relatives - you will fail. Following repeated failures, you may withdraw into depression or obsessions.

Parents who Sabotage Children

Most parents strive to give their children what they lacked when they were young. Most parents wish to protect and support their children to become independent adults. Most abusive parents say that they did the best that they could.

I read your emotional fixation article and feel some relief because I now see that my
husband is obsessed with his mother ... and they both blame me for every problem.
I'm not so crazy and unlovable as they keep telling me.

Good intentions can have unpleasant consequences. If a lonely parent fixates on a child, emotional chaos will follow, often across generations. Later, fixated adult children may watch their children act out and try to cope with their unresolved fixations.

Father-bonded women or mother-bonded men may relate to other immature or lonely people but not to mature adults. They may find themselves excited by immature people whom they neither like nor trust.

Is Someone Fixated on You?

People who fixate on you may behave as if you are their rescuer or their savior! They may feel bonded to you, and unable to leave you alone. Fixations motivate lies and stalking. Addicts cling to their sources ... including addictive relationships.

Fixations are unconscious ties and emotional lies. Fixations motivate inappropriate behavior - including poor career choices, addictive relationships and massive unhappiness. Expect to hear ... I love you (only) because you remind me of ...

See mother-son bonds and father-daughter fixations.

When fixations end - as they will, being lies - fixated people often withdraw into depression. Bonded and enmeshed, they may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions (e.g. loneliness or abandonment) and may desperately seek distractions!

Contact us to free yourself from emotional fixations

Online Help: Coaching & Counseling for Fixations

I thought you were just another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018
All rights reserved.

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention or

For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

Soulwork systemic coaching in Croatia & Serbia

Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email