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Emotional Maturity & Responsibility 1
Youth Fades - Immaturity Lingers Martyn Carruthers

Online Help: Coaching, Counseling & Therapy

Do you suffer from immature habits? Are you enmeshed in negative emotions?
Do you want to solve relationship problems and reclaim your freedom?

Emotional Maturity: Part 2

Are you Growing Up - or just Growing Old?

Emotional maturity includes questioning your possibilities,
proving your abilities and challenging your parents' choices.

Many people seem to stop growing up at some age, and some adults often behave like children or teenagers (and in some countries that is normal). A useful question is, "How old do you behave in your relationships?"

Mature adults tend to solve problems quickly. They cope with problems - whether children, illness, divorce, parenthood, careers and unemployment. When they need help - they find help fast. To assess emotional maturity, you can ask yourself:

  1. Do you accept reality as it is?
  2. Do you adapt to changing realities?
  3. Do you solve your problems promptly?
  4. Do you cope with losses and setbacks?
  5. Do you take responsibility for your finances?
  6. Do you live realistically, conscious of your mortality?
  7. Do you accept your age and continue your development?
  8. Do you concern yourself with social problems and solutions?
  9. Do you feel good about your successes and enjoy your relationships?
  10. Do you stay in integrity, despite temptations, compromises and conflicts?

Youth fades - immaturity lingers. Maturity is not a reward for good children or good students. Maturity isn't part of college graduation or military service.

Most young people have a sense of romance, a precursor of adult wisdom. Romantic idealism may be wonderful for teenagers - wisdom, clarity and wit form a basis for mature decisions. Most children want to play with toys, most teenagers want to have fun and most adults want to live meaningful lives. But some adults don't know how.

My husband acts like a teenager. He walks away unexpectedly, he demands that
I wait on him and he will not help with housework. We are both university professors
but he often acts like a first year student. How can I make him grow up?

Few people deliberately sabotage their own happiness. We find that childhood stress and relationship problems (such as parental alienation or covert incest) can cause disorders that persist into adult life.

Maturity doesn't just happen. We coach people to mature.

Childish adults want toys, games and substitutes for parents. When immature people want help they may act like needy children or helpless victims. Immature people need mature mentorship and self-esteem but seek codependence and instant gratification.

You helped me settle things in my mind. You showed me that change is not
the end of the world. Most people do it. It's called growing up.

Maturity, more than fun, is a prerequisite for lasting happiness, and we associate it with self-esteem and integrity. Immaturity causes many relationship problems.

Youth Fades - Immaturity Lingers

We bend our theories to fit people - we do not bend people to fit our theories!

Immature behavior often seems to follow childhood abuse or inadequate parenting. Immature people often seem to be stuck at ages corresponding to their trauma. We coach people who want to manage their emotions and grow up.

A sign of maturity is that you can be right without needing to make others wrong.

Mature people can retain many of their youthful strengths. You can retain your capacity for wonder, pleasure and playfulness, your affiliation and curiosity, and your idealism and passion. We can help you recover and integrate these qualities with your adult maturity, wisdom, knowledge and responsibility - with your strength and vision.

Another sign of maturity is that you perceive your parents as ordinary people.

Keys to maturity include self-esteem, clarity and a stable sense of integrity. Then, manage negative emotions and find mentors for living the life you want. We can help you heal stress disorders, emotional problems and fixations.

Do you believe that you can learn and improve your emotional intelligence, or is it an inborn characteristic that you are stuck with?

This book "Emotional Maturity" can help you:

Understand your feelings
Manage your strong emotions
Assess the consequences of your decisions

Martyn, I better understand why my oldest son had such difficult marriages.
He's nearly 40 but he was just a teenager inside ... thank you for working with him

Are you Emotionally Mature or Emotionally Retarded?

People often hide their feelings and deny their emotions. Many people have only seen immature or emotion-less behavior at home. They may not know what mature behavior and emotional expressions look like.

Examples of Maturity

Physical / Biological Maturity

Cognitive / Psychological Maturity

  • age of the body
  • ability to parent a child
  • muscle mass and body shape
  • understand different views
  • select information from raw data
  • apply information with decisions

Emotional Maturity

Relationship Maturity

  • liking yourself
  • self-control under stress
  • responsible for own decisions
  • be friendly and share resources
  • cooperate with peers and teams
  • communicate data and decisions

You can compare a person's emotional control, decision-making and relationship skills with the requirements of that person's relationships. See Emotional Maturity 2

Some Indications of Emotional Maturity

  • resourceful under stress
  • settles conflicts peacefully
  • takes personal responsibility
  • can delay gratification of goals
  • dependable and resourceful
  • perseveres to complete projects
  • makes decisions and keeps them
  • solves problems without complaining

Emotional Maturity: Part 2 . Emotional Maturity Test

Do you cause friends and family to suffer because you behave
in immature ways and you won't get help? Contact us.

Online Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 2005-2018
All rights reserved

If you like our work, please link to us. If you know someone who might benefit,
please mention or

For online help, email us at:

Soulwork systemic coaching in America & Hawaii


Soulwork systemic coaching in England, Wales & Scotland

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Soulwork systemic coaching in Poland



Have You Suffered Enough?

 Where are you now? Understand your emotions, fixations and enmeshments
What do you hope for? Know your goals and stop sabotaging yourself
Do you feel resourceful? Learn to develop your inner resources
Do emotions block you? Relationship problems and mentor damage
Do your beliefs limit you? Change limiting beliefs and end dependence
Do you feel connected? Resolve identity issues to recover lost resources
Is your partner happy? Build healthy partnership (or separate peacefully)
Are your children healthy? Happy parents better manage family problems
Do you want team success? Team leaders and their teams develop together
Do you have complex goals? Specialty coaching, counseling & therapy

Plagiarism is theft. Copyright Martyn Carruthers 1996-2018  All rights reserved. Soulwork Systemic Coaching was primarily developed by Martyn Carruthers to help people solve emotional problems and relationship conflicts to achieve their goals. These concepts and strategies are for general knowledge only. Consult a physician about medical conditions and before changing medical treatment. Don't steal intellectual property ... get permission to post, publish or teach Martyn's work - email