Are you entangled in abusive relationships?
Do you suffer from abuse?
We can help you untangle your life and build healthy relationships.
Abusive people often justify their abuse.
Abused people often exaggerate.
The word abuse has as many
meanings as the people who use it.
Ask for details ... check what can be checked ... before you react.
Emotional abuse is about dominance and power. Does someone
shout a lot? Criticize every detail? Constantly misuse authority? Is someone
generally disrespectful, insulting or rude? Other abusive activities include
condescending, patronizing, critical, judging and lying. Does someone you
know repeatedly claim to forget important promises and agreements, betrays
trust and distorts history?
Emotional abuse may be accompanied by threats and
humiliation. But what people say "really happened" is often vague.
Abused people frequently react like children when abusive people try to enmesh
them into their fantasies. They may try to justify every immature, impulsive act
of control ...
I only did this because you did that because
I ... because you ... because ... because
Many abusive people avoid responsibility for their behavior.
Abusers often consider themselves to be victims or special. In our
systemic approach to coaching, cause and effect rarely make
full sense. More often, limiting beliefs, fixations
and transference loops provide
much of the missing information.
Do you want to heal the consequences
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse can be anything ... it is
so subjective. Some people go through life complaining that they are constantly
abused. Sometimes, saying or not saying "Good morning" can be called
verbal abuse, intimidation, criticism, manipulation, abandonment or rejection.
The consequences of emotional abuse (real or imagined) can diminish a
person's self-confidence, self-image, trust in their
own perceptions and self-esteem. For example,
emotional abuse includes parents who convince their children that the
children can control the parent's feelings. This can result in children
who feel overly responsible for managing their parent's moods. Emotionally
mature parents can show their children that all emotions and feelings have value.
In contrast, physical abuse refers to violent acts
that are made to cause pain or physical injury. Domestic violence is
the threat, attempt, or physical harm made by a family member or by someone
you live with, or have lived with (as if you were related).
Emotional abusers can be charming - they may
hide their need to abuse until other people make commitments - whether at work,
at home or in teams, etc. Abusive relationships can range from
parental criticism to school-teacher sarcasm to political power struggles.
The consequences of such abuse can include
stress disorders (PTSD), depression, passive-aggression and anxiety. We
help people become emotionally mature, responsible and flexible.
- Can you be alert, strong yet flexible under
- Can you manage (not just
dissociate) your own emotions?
- Do you know when are you responsible
for another person's actions?
Many cults and cult-like organizations
emotionally abuse their members.
Yet some people cannot to leave these organizations because of the
effectiveness of their psychological coercion.
Training Abuse . Exit from Cults
. Abuse by Therapists
. Mentor Damage
Some trainers abuse their students. Some health
professionals abuse their patients. Some gurus abuse their devotees.
They may show sadism, incompetence, immaturity, identity loss or
codependence ... and a need to dominate.
Many emotional abusers appear to have mental health
problems. They may be easily frustrated and moody, and they may not feel
guilt about threatening or hurting others. They may not feel any desire
or need to change their behavior - until they are in crisis - when
they may start screaming for help.
Emotional abusers who want to change can acknowledge their
problem, commit to stop controlling, and seek our help. Pressuring an abuser
to change often results in passive-aggressive behavior: initial resistance
followed first by short-term compliance, and later by delayed aggression.
Emotional Abuse at Home
Emotional abusers often expect more from their
family than they are willing to give. But a family member cannot give enough.
The relationship is about control - not love. The more independent a family
member becomes, the more the abuser will abuse, to avoid losing control.
Emotional abuse includes hurtful communication
and perhaps physical threats or emotional harm. Children may feel afraid,
angry, confused and lost. We coach parents to make better decisions. We
also help people who were sexually abused as children.
Common Emotionally Abusive Behaviors
- intimidates you
- controls your time
- controls your finances
- withholds affection or sex
- insults you or calls you names
- reads personal communications
- behaves in an overprotective manner
- explodes with anger or rage
- stops you working or learning
- humiliates you in front of others
- blames you for their own issues
- ignores, mimics or patronizes you
- stops you meeting family or friends
- turns minor issues into big arguments
Emotional abusers may feel that THEY are
allowed to be angry - but not anyone else. They may blame people for
"allowing" them to be abusive - for not standing up to them.
Some of them enjoy fights.
Emotional Abuse at Work
Managers who emotionally abuse their staff may see their
employees as substitutes for family members, especially children. Bosses who abuse
their employees may later refer to this abuse as effective management. If
the abused staff can be made to believe they are somehow deficient, they may
remain bonded to their boss by parental fixations and limiting beliefs.
Employees who tolerate abuse often do not
understand office politics, while abusive managers are often incompetent
or perfectionist. They want status, recognition and power. We
coach managers to improve management skills, and we help employees cope with
or leave abusive managers.
Managing Difficult Employees .
Sales Abuse & Violation of Privacy
Some salespeople are trained to use and abuse
hypnotic language to build rapport, prolong negotiation and
wear down your resistance until you buy something you don't want.
Some abusive sellers are trained in NLP and covert hypnosis, which
gives passive-aggressive people tools to abuse you.
To gain your compliance with their agenda,
they may mirror your posture, paraphrase what you say and
mimic your way of talking. They want you to trust them blindly.
They want to invade your privacy, influence your behavior and profit
- If you feel pressured, leave -
or make the salesperson leave.
- Ask friends to be
present when you make a substantial purchases.
- Discuss details of a contract with a trusted relative, friend or advisor
- Many abusers rely on your desire
to be polite. You have other choices.
We coach people to deal with emotional abuse
and abusive situations,
and we help people who have been abused to become
Online Coaching, Counseling & Soulwork Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright ©
Martyn Carruthers, 2006-2018
All rights reserved.