We help people resolve emotional and relationship problems.
We can encourage you to make decisions -
but we do not make decisions for you.
We can encourage you to see other points of view - but we do not take sides.
We can support your choices - but we will not pressure you to change.
Systemic Couple Coaching & Partnership Conflicts
Is your partnership excellent?
Or is it in trouble and you want to solve problems? Do you wonder if you should
Consider our couple counseling.
Four in one (artist unknown)
Most people get what they deserve ... and some people seem luckier than that!
Luck has little to do with happy partnership, which usually includes shared
values, shared communication and conflict resolution. Couple conflicts include: 1) Different understanding, 2)
Different Goals, 3) Different Needs and 4) Different Values.
1) Different understanding. When partners do not understand each
other, details can become
important and couples may fight over anything. We coach partners to
appreciate each other's goals, needs and values. Our couple counseling helps partners
goals, needs and values conflicts.
2) Goals Conflicts are
conflicts about which goal to strive for, how much of a goal to attain,
attain it ... and about how those goals should be reached.
3) Needs Conflicts. Both partners may feel that the other partner
has a problem, but both partners may avoid exploring their own values and
sense of life. Instead they may argue about how and where they can do what.
4) Values Conflicts. If one or both partners believe
that a conflict involves core values, for example ancestral
beliefs and family traditions, the partners may avoid discussing or trying to
solve the conflict because core values are not negotiable. But history need not
be destiny, and our couple coaching can help ...
- Identify problems in terms of partnership needs, rather than
- Find potential solutions which could meet both
- Choose one or more potential solutions to test
- Evaluate the potential consequences of those solutions
- Take real-world action - mindful of the potential
- Check the consequences and select the next problem to resolve
According to Gottman & Silver (1999), about 70% of relationship
conflicts are values conflicts. Gottman called them unsolvable problems,
because the partners' goals and ideals are in conflict. These conflicts cannot
be solved by ordinary problem-solving, although healthy couples can learn to
respect each other's values.
Your couple counseling helped us ...
Some of our conflicts seemed trivial, yet hurt us.
my husband wanted me to walk at his side, to
show our equality,
and I walked in front of him to show my independence ... and we
You showed us how to respect our own and each
other's values. London
Couples in conflicts about core values may
consider separation. We have helped many people resolve values conflicts.
Our preferred conflict resolution is:
- Confirm that both partners want to explore their values
- Gain relevant information with systemic diagnosis
- Share expertise, opinions, beliefs and values
- Allow partners time to reflect and choose
People rarely change values during arguments. They may change later, when they are relaxed and can choose consequences. Attempting to resolve values
conflicts as if they were needs conflicts or goal conflicts can lead to mentor damage,
and beliefs such as, "We cannot resolve our conflicts".
My husband should be a mature man, a tender lover, a
good father and my life companion.
My wife should love me, respect all my decisions and
look after my mother.
Often heard during couple coaching in many countries!
We help people manage their emotions and resolve partnership
conflicts. Our couple coaching often includes individual coaching
to manage individual issues, e.g. change beliefs, resolve conflicts and
dissolve obsessions, etc.
Our couple coaching includes pre-marital counseling and project management. We help
people evaluate and change their goals, roles, habits, rules and beliefs.
Soulwork Couple Coaching: Our Story
Dear Reader ...
Martyn Carruthers asked me to share our experience with you.
My husband and I have been married for 13 years with two adorable
daughters; I am a human resources director and he is a therapist. We
think of our relationship as fulfilling in every aspect and we are
happy to have each others commitment, trust and love. We could
communicate constructively and sort out most of our stuff.
However, there were "small" and "big" issues that we
could not sort out ourselves. We were too involved with our own processes
to concentrate on our partnership and long term consequences.
Some two years ago we decided we wanted professional support to enable
us to live towards our common goals, as well as our
personal and professional goals.
Both of us are psychologists
and we know many therapists who offer marriage counseling, but we did not feel
comfortable with their standard approach which tries to fix people. For
two years we searched for someone with a deep understanding of relationships
as well as a straight-to-the-point-and-no-bullshit-approach.
A few months ago we met Martyn Carruthers and
we both sensed he could be the guy we could work
with ... this was our introduction to Soulwork couple counseling.
Some "big issues"
turned out to be symptoms of "small issues" and we resolved issues
that we suffered for years in a couple of sessions, while gaining deep insights.
We not only resolved issues, we explored what was happening "backstage"
so we gained valuable perspectives and experience.
coaching showed us how to be more sensitive to each other's
perception and interpretation, and to the consequences of our deeds and
ambitions. It also gave us clarity in our other relationships with our other
Our couple-coaching sessions were dynamic,
goal-orientated and inspiring. Sometimes, there were tears, sometimes
deep dialogues and, what surprised us most, many times we had good
and healthy laughter, even over serious issues. We value this
as clients and as professionals.
We believe that no matter how good a
relationship is, it can be better, and both of us want to
continue to grow not just as two individuals, but as a couple and as a
family. This is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and
to our daughters. We are attending Martyn's coach training.
Our Couple Counseling
Usually, the most motivated partner asks us for help.
This may be the partner who suffers most, or the partner who
most wants happiness. Our
couple counseling often begins by listening carefully to answers to:
- What do you argue, quarrel or fight about?
- What do you each want the other to change?
- How do you want to make decisions together?
- What do you each want to change in yourselves?
- What gets in the way of your happiness together?
For committed partners, these questions may bring deep discussion and
unexpected answers. For people in affairs or shallow relationships, these questions
may seem irrelevant - who cares? For partners in crisis, such questions may
We also offer Premarital Coaching,
Post-Abortion Counseling and
by resolving guilt, transferences, unwanted beliefs, fixations and
mentor damage. We help couples understand each
other as a basis for important decisions.
Couple Counseling Testimonial
My wife and I attended
marriage counseling - but we both wanted more than the counselor could provide.
Your couple counseling helped us sort out many unpleasant issues. We ended
our bad feelings about our abortion, my wife's abuse by her uncle
when she was ten and my sexual experiments when I was a teenager.
It was soul-work. We
cleared up my issues about my first wife's death, and my new wife's fascination
with a man she works with. She said that I was too close to her
daughter -she didn't like it but didn't know how to deal
Now I'm just our
daughter's step-Dad and not a special friend.
We both feel we can handle pretty much anything
life throws at us. London
Contact us to dissolve affairs, conflicts and relationship problems.
Online Life Coaching & Counseling for Better Relationships!
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
Plagiarism is theft. Copyright © Martyn Carruthers,
All rights reserved 1999-2015