Solutions for Negative Emotions © Martyn Carruthers

Are your emotions appropriate for what is happening now? Or are they left over from earlier dramas – perhaps from when you were 4 or 14 years old? Or are they “other people’s” emotions that you are expressing for them?

Emotional problems refers to unpleasant feelings,
emotions, attitudes, habits and beliefs … and their consequences.

The perception of a nuclear family of parents and children seems sadly outdated for solving family problems. Extended family relationships, particularly between siblings, their parents and their grandparents, impact the entire family and future generations.

Your emotions reflect your relationships.
Medications are unlikely to improve relationships!

We help people explore their emotions and improve their relationships. Emotional problems often reflect ancestral values, relationship bonds, beliefs and attitudes.

We help people open their Pandora’s Boxes, untangle their emotional problems and sort out any family secrets. We help people change limiting beliefs, heal unpleasant emotions and end unwanted habits.

History is what happened – emotional baggage is what you carry.

Healthy perceptions of parents, grandparents and extended family support emotional health. Even with the rise of marital instability and family dislocation, we help people manage emotional problems and improve relationships.

Your Parents

Your parents probably did the best they knew how to do, and probably tried to give you whatever they lacked when they were young – whether you wanted it or not.

Most healthy people know what they want, they how they feel and why they feel that way. They solve problems quickly. They have similar challenges as unhappy people – but healthy people move on faster. Few healthy people sabotage themselves.

Emotional problems can hurt you and the people you love. Relationship problems with parents, grandparents, etc, can cause suffering, and damage your ability to enjoy life.

Examples of Ancestral Baggage

Identification

You identify with an ancestor

Projection

You express an ancestor’s prejudices

Codependence

You depend on an ancestor who depends on you

Belief Bonds

You believe something to feel connected to an ancestor

Transference

You perceive someone as if a person was an ancestor

Guilt

You feel bad because an ancestor betrayed someone

 

Are you confused by negative emotions or bad habits?
Contact us to free yourself from confusion and self-sabotage.

Lost Innocence

Even though your relationship habits may be obvious to others, you may not recognize your own issues. You may lose innocence when you understand what you are doing – often to survive – and how you tolerate unhealthy relationships.

Most people protect themselves from thoughts that they can’t understand and feelings that they can’t assimilate. For example, in a relationship with an opposite-sex parent, an awareness of covert emotional incest could damage that relationship. (If this is you – I expect you to have a few unpleasant thoughts and feelings, and then to quickly forget both this paragraph and your feelings).

For example, many men who are bonded to their mothers, and many women who are enmeshed with their fathers, will avoid even considering whether or not they are enmeshed! Such people often deny this, even when there is massive evidence and horrible consequences. The ice is too thin and the water is too cold!

Feeling connected to important people (e.g. parents or partners) may be more important than the unpleasant consequences of those feelings. Some entangled adults feel special or chosen – not fully aware that other people are also human beings.

Normal does not mean Healthy

Many people want normal relationships. But what does normal mean? Normal relationships can be horribly unhealthy. It is normal for some mothers to over-love their sons. It is normal for some fathers to devote themselves to their daughters. It is normal for many people to fantasize sexual affairs with past partners … but hardly healthy.

Are you normal? Do you sometimes pretend to be a child? Do you sometimes parent another adult? Do you sometimes play victimizer, victim or rescuer roles? These role-playing games can be intense … and have high stakes. You bet your life.

Some families, cults and paramilitary organizations enmesh people to better manipulate them. There are rules, but the important rules may be taboo. If it is against the rules to talk about the rules … you may be punished for asking!

Common Signs of Emotional Baggage

Excuses Blaming Complaining Criticizing
Threatens Coerces Begs Gossips
Don’t say what they mean Don’t take themselves seriously Claims nothing is their fault Cannot say “No
Don’t mean what they say Tells people not to take them seriously Claims everything is their fault Cannot say “Yes
Chronic emotional displays Act as if they are very special Avoid talking about themselves Lies, protects and covers up for people
Cannot end a relationship Cannot define their own goals Cannot stop talking Talks in self-critical, or hostile ways
Only say what provokes people Only express opinions when people agree Claim to sacrifice their happiness for others Cannot express emotions appropriately
Sexual Enmeshment

Hints of sexual invitations can cause powerful reactions. Consider marketing – have you noticed how pretty women are used to sell almost anything? Many people offer sexual intimacy in return for some benefit – often feeling contempt for their partners.

Are you Sexually Enmeshed?

  • Do you withdraw from your partner?
  • Do you suffer sex when you feel bad?
  • Can you ask for what you want in bed?
  • Does sex feel robotic?
  • Have you lost interest in sex?
  • Do you consider sexual affairs?
Don’t Recycle Emotional Baggage … Deal with it!

Entangled adults may behave in immature (childish), or overly protective (parental) ways. It’s a small step from protection to control – from mothering to smothering.

The consequences of relationship problems often worsen over time, causing relationships to descend towards symbiosis and then codependence. Your ability to deal with emotional baggage reflects your maturity!

 

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