Are you entangled in difficult relationships or painful emotions?
Do you want help for solving relationship problems?
There are no limits to the happiness of healthy
... nor to the suffering inherent within
Friendship - teamwork - partnership
- parenthood - neighborhood ... no relationship runs smoothly all
the time. Different experiences, expectations, values and skills underlie
most relationship problems. And too much similarity can cause relationship
problems. We help people solve relationship problems.
Your relationships with family, friends,
colleagues or a partner can
bring love, pleasure, support and happiness into your life. Relationships
can also bring suffering, guilt and depression. You are not alone - we coach
people to solve many relationship problems, difficulties and challenges.
Some basic skills for solving relationship problems are:
- You know your wishes, dreams and your needs
- You know what people want during relationships
- You understand and accept
the wants and needs of other people
- You choose which wants and needs you can
fulfill in which relationships
- You explore what your partner wants and
needs - be prepared for change
- You discuss what you each hope for ...
define your relationship goals together
If you have a relationship problem, and solutions seem difficult,
our systemic coaching can help you. Systemic relationship coaching
can help you turn difficult relationships around. Effective coaching
can clarify poor or average relationships, and some become wonderful
We do not try to persuade people to start or stay in
relationships. We coach people to understand each other's
perspectives, and to resolve many blocks to happiness. We coach
people to build good feelings as a basis for emotional
freedom and healthy relationships.
How do you decide about money? How do you decide how
money should be earned and spent? Who pays the bills? How much goes
to expenses, to savings, and to charity? How do you decide expensive
decisions (tuition, childcare, mortgage, car purchase)? Does everybody
control their own money or is it pooled? Must each person bring an
income? If not, how do you decide who will work?
Expect problems if you demand that your partner like your
family, or if you try make yourself like people you don't respect. You
can discuss your family and your partner's family. Who is more important?
Are you or your partner overly bonded or compliant to a parent? You can
continue your intimate relationship even if your parents disagree - and
you may greatly benefit from our relationship coaching.
My husband never really left
his parents, and was still his mother's boy.
When I tried to assert our independence, my
husband supported his mother.
I thought we would divorce but you helped us both
grow up and become a couple.
Those first years are like bad dreams now. London
Do you feel you have to abandon friends to be with your partner?
Giving up good friends to please a partner is asking for trouble.
But don't assume that your partner will like your friends as much as you do.
You might each ask: "Which of my friends do you enjoy and which
would you rather I meet without you?"
If you try to use your opposite-sex partner as a substitute for
a same-sex friend - expect problems! He probably doesn't want
to talk about emotions over a cup of tea, and she probably doesn't
want to drink beer and watch football!
Hopefully, you enjoy time with your family,
friends, colleagues partner and children. Hopefully they enjoy
time with you. And sometimes they - and you - want time alone. If you
interpret this as, "they don't care for me" or
"they do not accept, or like or love me" you will
make problems. Talk to them about what you and they need. Childish
demands for attention drive healthy people away.
If you or an important person becomes emotional in a
crisis, talk gently and listen carefully. If you can, talk about
feelings and goals. Emotions that might be simple for you, may
be expressed intensely by other people. Knowing that you and your
partner agree on emotional problems will help relieve stress.
- If something bothers you, say it and find solutions.
- If you feel you will never forgive your partner
for something, get coaching.
- Assume positive intentions - and then check
if your assumptions are true.
- Punishing your partner may make things worse.
Discuss what you want.
- Let sex be the icing on your cake - not the whole
- Teach your partner how to bring you to orgasm. If
you don't know how, find out!
- A sexual affair
need not mean the end of a partnership, but it indicates problems
- Sexual dysfunction is common - we offer
Going APE: Assimilate Problematic Experiences
The APES model (WB Stiles, 1990) describes how people deal with relationship crises. Effective coaching can
accelerate progress through these stages. Here is my summary of this model:
Solving Relationship Problems
Dissociated: People bury or repress their relationship
problems; unpleasant thoughts and feelings are silent or are rapidly silenced.
They may whine and complain endlessly.
Avoidance: People avoid thinking about relationship
problems. Thoughts and feelings can be very unpleasant but are scattered,
diffuse, unfocused and unclear. They may criticize and condemn
people who are not suffering as they are.
Emergence: People cannot describe relationship problems
clearly but feel emotional suffering or panic. They may attack and
abuse people whom they blame for their feelings.
Clarification: People can consider possible solutions
and can manage unpleasant thoughts, feelings and inner conflicts without
panic. They may finally seek help.
Understanding: People can describe problematic
relationships, their unpleasant feelings and their pleasant surprises.
They may explore realistic relationship solutions.
Application: People can plan solutions to relationship
problems and other life issues. They may be more optimistic about possible
Resourceful: People use their problematic experiences as
life resources. They may become generally optimistic about life.
Integration: People generalize solutions using the
problematic relationships as resources for resolving other relationship
or life problems. (If I can solve THAT, I can also ...)
Solve Relationship Problems
If a relationship is good -
there's not much to talk about.
If a relationship is bad, there's
nothing to talk about. Common male belief
- Be interested in and discuss how you can
support each others goals.
- Some people may feel overwhelmed -
give them space to talk about it.
- Avoid criticism - discuss how you can
tell uncomfortable truths to each other.
- Money issues can cause huge conflicts. Discuss
finances and make a budget.
Solving relationship problems is an investment.
Our coaching can turn relationships and lives around. Good coaching
can rescue bad relationships and turn average relationships into
wonderful experiences. Dissolve conflicts before they explode!
Contact us to manage your emotions and solve relationship
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another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
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Martyn Carruthers 2005-2018
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