Were you abandoned, betrayed or rejected by someone you loved?
Have you deserted, neglected or pushed away someone who loved you?
These behaviors often create unpleasant
Many people have told us that they are unhappy because their
parents didnít love them. They told us why they distanced themselves from their
parents emotionally and geographically. Parents have told us
about feeling abandoned or rejected by children.
Parents sometimes complain about their children's lack of
gratitude. They ask, "What did we do wrong?" They say, "We did the best we could! Why don't they love us now
like they did when they were small! I wish they had never grown up!"
I hated my parents for what they had done
to me. Thanks to you,
I now see them as ordinary people who did their best. London
Even young children seem to know how much they depend
on their parents' love. And young children may convince themselves, despite
evidence, that their parents are good, caring people who love them. Children
often distort reality and bond to their fantasies of parents -
rather than to the real people. Later, as they grow up, they may cling to their
childish fantasies ... and reject their parents.
I left home when I was fifteen.
I banished my parents from my heart and my mind.
They blamed me for everything and tried to make me look after them and then
blamed me more. I don't want to hear them criticize me ever again.
What does REJECTED mean?
- To refuse to consider; to deny
- To discard as defective or useless; to throw away
- To refuse to recognize or give affection to (a person)
- To refuse to accept, to submit to, to believe, or to use
Both rejecting someone and being rejected
are stressful events that usually feel horrible (for healthy people). When your
own family rejects you, it is worse. And worst of all may be if your own
children reject you.
Signs of Rejection
Children who reject their parents may be diagnosed with
In blended families,
adolescents and teenagers may reject a new step-parent.
When adult children ignore or reject parents - something
systemic is going on - something hidden in the family's structure or
A child may dispute a parent's decision, but it's rarely a crisis. But you promised we would go
to the beach today! You're a bad Daddy! Teenagers and adult children who
feel betrayed may use hurtful words, e.g.
Screw you - I'll do what I want!
Many parents enjoy good relationships with their
children until a crisis such as separation or divorce - and then
they feel rejected by their children. Some warning signs of parental
rejection are that a child:
- ignores a parent or step-parent
- becomes distant and dissociated
- insists that he or she hates a parent
- tries many ways to make a parent
- canít remember any good times
with a parent
- canít identify any "bad"
qualities in a liked parent
- canít identify any "good"
qualities in a rejected parent
- cannot clearly describe behaviors
(e.g. ďDad was mean to MomĒ)
Some children perceive a parent as a childish or immature victim. Many children try to
partner or parent such parents. If ignored, such
confusion may lead to relationship confusion throughout life. See
covert emotional incest.
Rejection is Part of Life
If you are a parent, it is not likely that
your children will always accept and respect your decisions. It is more
likely that you will sometimes feel rejected. Much worse than your
actions, beliefs or decisions being rejected is being
rejected for who you are.
You helped me move on, accept my parents
as they are and
avoid a life of unresolved pain and regret. New York
Being rejected by friends or colleagues can feel very unpleasant.
Rejection or betrayal by a significant person may change your
beliefs and relationships, and damage your ability to succeed.
And these feelings often continue for years - unless remedied.
We help people change.
My mother kept my father from me.
She falsely accused him of horrible things and
robbed me of my Dad. She boasted about how
she manipulated the legal
system to get more money from him.
She wrecked his life ... and
I never want to see her again. London
Maturity & Rejection
Maturity helps predict how people respond to rejection.
Mature people may acknowledge a situation, deal with self-pity,
pick themselves up and move on with their lives. (If you don't
know how to do that - we can help you.)
My step-parents forbade me to
meet my real parents.
I HAD to say that I hated my parents or
I was punished.
Do minor rejections cause you to relive major rejections and huge emotions
from past relationship problems? Do they trigger unpleasant memories of feeling
helpless, resourceless or childish?
We can help you through and past all this. We can help you
assimilate and manage the emotional consequences of being
rejected; and change your habits that lead to further rejection.
Rejection & Identity Loss in Relationships
Most people are alert to justice, respond to
perceived injustice following the examples set by their parents. A
common response to rejection and injustice is
Resolving identity loss solves so many problems that it is central to our systemic
Four common forms of identity
- Tries to live someone else's life (Identifications)
- Cannot change beliefs or behavior (Relationship Bonds)
- Cannot make decisions without conflict (Identity Conflict)
- Cannot describe, feel or express emotions (Lost Identity)
Do you alienate your family and friends because
you have emotional problems and you won't get help?
Do you want to manage your emotions and solve relationship
Coaching, Counseling & Systemic Therapy
I thought you were just
another therapist - but you were not just. Not even. Not only.
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Copyright © Martyn Carruthers 2010-2018
All rights reserved.